Dear Senator Franken,
May I call you Uncle Al? I'm going to be really up-front with you and tell you that I didn't vote for you. Not because I don't think you're funny (all Senators should be funny -- how else would they get such hot mistresses, right? It's not with dough on your limited salaries.) No, I didn't vote for you because I'm not old enough. In fact, I'm not even old enough to have a blog, so I'm using Momma's.
Let's start over. Congratulations on being named Senator, and more important, on your position in the Senate Judiciary Committee. I trust Aunt Sonia is a shoe-in now, right?
Umm... okay, what I really wanted to write you about is cold medicine. See, I've got a cold. I'm seven months old, and I'm suffering. I need cold medicine. But all the hop heads and irresponsible parents of the world have colluded in their idiocy, and now there's no such thing as cold medicine for little people. Even my brother who is really old (almost three) can't take OTC cold medicine.
Have you ever had a summer cold, Uncle Al? Have you ever had snot running uncontrollably down your tiny, chapped philtrum and into your mouth because you're too uncoordinated to use a tissue (or be trusted not to eat and choke on it), and the big people in your life only glance your direction often enough to ensure you aren't drowning in your own salty fluids? Have you? I didn't think so. No offense, Uncle Al, but you were born in an era when mommies were rubbing 80 proof on their baby's gums at the merest hint of molars and people said things like, "Awww... it's only a small gash -- walk it off, Al!"
So have some sympathy for the little people. Bring back cold medicine, Al. I promise I'll vote for you in 17 years and five months if you make baby drugs a centerpiece of your senatorial life's work.
Love,
WeeBO
P.S. Momma is wondering if I'm eligible for FMLA. She says keeping me in diapers is pretty pricey, and she's tired of changing two kids' poopy pants. Not that it would be an issue if my brother would consider for one moment the damage he's doing to the environment by not potty training. But that's another post for another day.
