I have a brown baby. It comes with the territory when you're a white chick and you marry and procreate with a brown man. To be more precise, when a German and Welsh mutt has a child with an Indian purebreed*, the genetic lottery does not work in the brown-haired, blue-eyed girl's favor.
But after nearly two years, I'm still fascinated by the comments a white mom/brown baby combo yields. In Turkey, I was asked so frequently if I was The Ambassador's mother that I almost began prefacing my introductions with, "Hi, I'm Debbie, and this is my biological son, The Ambassador. I know he doesn't look like me, but that's because I merely served as an incubator for his father's genetic material." I have also been asked if I am my son's nanny. I only get that question in the U.S., which I find interesting from a sociological standpoint. It tells me that people are starting to accept that old white ladies might be perfectly competent caretakers and turns racial stereotypes on their heads.
Unlike a lot of moms in the same situation, I really don't take offense at the questions. I'm a little shocked by people's chutzpah, but not offended. I think if I had adopted The Ambassador, I might be more sensitive about assumptions and awkward questions. But mostly, I'm just amused.
Today's version of the "is he yours" conversation was particularly interesting, because it happened with a woman who did adopt her son. I walked into The Ambassador's classroom to pick up my little guy and entered amidst a dialog between the teacher, who was holding my son, and this other mother:
TEACHER: Well, I don't know if that's where they're from, but that's where they were visiting. There she is! (POINTS TO ME)
MOM: Your son is so beautiful. Where is he from?
ME: Portland.
MOM: Portland...?
ME: (NOT GETTING IT YET) Oregon?
MOM: Oh. I mean where was he born?
ME: In a hospital? (STILL NOT GETTING IT)
MOM: But what country? My son is from Khazakhstan. (POINTS TO ADORABLE CURLY-HAIRED, OLIVE-SKINNED TODDLER AT HER FEET)
ME: Ahhh. He's my biological son. He looks exactly like his father, minus the nose snot. Ohhh... were you thinking he was from Turkey or Egypt?
TEACHER: I knew you guys were out of the country after he first started coming here, but I couldn't remember if it was family or just vacation.
MOM: Oh, I'm so sorry! I should know better than to assume. People always ask me if my son's father has curly hair.
ME: And you say...? Probably? (SMILING)
MOM: Generally, yes. Sometimes they ask where I bought him. I tell them Wal-Mart and that he was on sale, because they were overstocked on kids with curly hair.
ME: See, now, I would say Whole Foods. The natural, whole-grain kids are easiest to find in the organic stores, even though you do pay a lot more for them there.
The woman was exceptionally apologetic for the rest of our conversation, and she ended by telling me I look fantastic and she would never guess that I have a child or that I'm nearing the ripe, old age of 40. How could you be offended by someone so kind and so obviously in need of a seeing eye dog, right? However, all of these conversations are starting to make me wonder how society has managed to reach a point where it accepts that we routinely adopt from other countries, but still can't seem to get over the fact that people of different races occasionally do breed.
*Dot, not feather.
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17 comments:
Debs that last statement is so true and a little scary. She sounded like a nice woman though. And the ambassador is gorgeous.
I'm at mom's and we are both in tears of laughter! I needed that laugh today!
I totally understand where you come from. My BF is Thai and her DH is black- literally. she is Godmother to 2/3 of my kids and I am to hers. people give us some strange looks when my Scottish/Irish kids call her "Auntie".
I have a similar post drafted and sitting in Wordpress, waiting to publish.
*delete*
You suck, man.
My sister is married to a greek/puerto rican, she is transparently white, guess who her kids look like. She is alwasy worried Child Protective Services is going to take them away because they look nothing like her. Except for her beautiful heart.
The Ambassador is such a cutie, and the sleeping shot is very precious, you lucky girl!!!
Deb.. this post hit home because my sister deals with this kind of ignorance almost daily. She is white the boys father is black.. The boys are BEAUTIFUL. I still get amazed at comments made my from husbands side of the family when they say things like "their your nephews"
Closed minded, foot in the mouth people need to be kicked.. or of course say really really really nice compliments. :)
Nothing surprises me anymore... people will ask anything. While I was PG with triplets I was asked if I'd done IVF by complete strangers... and if i sort of hedged my answer they would persist... I always wanted to ask them what position they had sex in to get pregnant... LOL. Your son is beautiful. :)
I love the way you handled her comments. And I admire your overall attitude. I can't help but see this as yet another reason why this country needs Obama. But I won't even get started...
I cracked up over the dot, not feather note, too.
Your son is gorgeous, by the way.
Right on 100%, gal!
A friend of mine has the opposite problem, in that she is Indian (dot, not feather...hee heee) and has a son fathered by her white, VERY white husband. She's brown and the kid is white, and she constantly has a lot of explaining to do. Like it's anyone's business?
And that photo of the sleeping little mixed race angel makes me smile. I want to sprinkle him with cinnamon and take a big bite of him, he is so gorgeous. You guys have really good DNA.
I often laugh when I read blog posts, but I don't often burst out laughing and dare I say it... Laugh Out Loud (I still can't type that acronym). But Whole Grain Child KILLED ME. Out loud.
Great post, Deb. Hilarious story, and I'm jealous of they way you handled yourself in that situation.
It'd be several hours later before I came up with any of those comebacks.
He might have Dad's melanin, but from the rare, partially obscured photos I've seen of you, I see a lot of Mom in him.
Oh, and since I hit 40 in three weeks, let's cool it on the "old" and "ripe" stuff...
:-D
You just crushed my dreams. I am a brown-haired, blue-eyed white girl married to a purebred Indian (dot, not feather). I knew our future children would favor him, but I always dreamed that they would look a *little* like me.
Does The Ambassador really look nothing like you? At all?
Beautiful photo - stunning!
You are terribly good natured about comments like that, I admire your good humour and patience.
Anonymous: when The Ambassador was born, he was a clone of my husband. As he gets older, people have begun to tell me he looks more like me. I suspect it's his mannerisms more than physical appearance (after all, he spends nearly 24/7 with me), but there's no question he's not completely my husband any longer.
Mr. F, I think you have own your old age. Simple as that. It might be easier for me to say, since you're still WAY older than I am. :)
I can totally relate - but the opposite!
My son is blond and blue eyed (which still stuns me) just like my husband...
I am a mutt (mostly hungarian) dark hair, dark eyes and when he was little and I'd take him to the park all the nannies would ask me what family I worked for- lol!
I still get quizzical looks sometimes if we're out without my husband-
it's so funny/weird that other people/strangers will peer at my son to see some kind of similar feature between him and me ...
It's kinda fun :)
You sure are patient with these rude people! Now tell me, where did you say your son was born again? Just Kidding!
As usual, you crack me up! You have the best come backs. Is your humor genetic? Or did you buy that at Whole Foods? ;)
My kids are part Mexican, and no one ever believes them. The genes got too watered down. My grandson by "step"ways (eeek! did I just say grandson?!) is 1/2 white european (mostly) mutt blend, 1/2 black. Yes we get the looks too. He takes after his daddy mostly, and has the most georgous eyes!
~Carrie
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