Suburban FAQs -- Pregnancy

I know I'm not the only pregnant woman who is approximately 900 weeks pregnant and getting these questions, so I thought I'd take up a little space in your brain today and provide the world with a little pregnancy-related public service. My apologies in advance if any of you cringe in recognition of the questions you find yourself asking the gestating women you know and love. Think of this as a gentle reminder that "You look great!" is always a perfectly acceptable response to a pregnant belly.

Before I get to the red meat, let me just say that depending on who these questions come from, they're generally considered by the recipient to be either ignorant or annoying. For example, if it's a young, single or childless male asking, the pregnant woman chalks it up to ignorance. If it's a woman who is already a mother herself, several times over, then the questions are usually deemed outright insulting and may require an engraved apology in order to fully heal the wounds.

On behalf of pregnant women everywhere who are not quick on their swollen, achy feet, I've attempted to provide responses to the questions, one for when you're about seven months pregnant and still have the urge to be polite, and one for when you're a week away from delivering and no longer have the tolerance to answer the same question for the fifteenth time. You're welcome.



- "My GOD, you're huge! Are you sure you're only having one baby?"

7-month response: Yep! My doctor says my weight gain is on track and things are going great.

9-month response: Well, I have been eating for two, you know. It looks like you have been, too. When are you due?


- "Wow, you're so small! Are you sure you're X months along? Are you eating enough?"

7-month response: Yep! My doctor says my weight gain is on track and things are going great.

9-month response: It's all the smoking. I've heard labor and delivery is easier with low-birth-weight infants, and I don't want to mangle my lady bits during childbirth.


*Note: You haven't truly experienced the fun of pregnancy unless you've been told in the span of a single day that you are both huge and really tiny, which generally proves that most people don't know what the heck they're talking about and should never say anything more than, "You look great!" to a pregnant woman.


- "Haven't you had that baby yet?"

7-month response: Nope! I'm still not due for another month, but I'll be sure to let you know when he comes.

9-month response: Yep. Had it two months ago. I just enjoyed the feeling of lower back pain, the overwhelming swelling in my feet, and the ugly maternity clothes so much that I decided to have a prosthetic belly surgically attached. Doesn't it look realistic? Touch it, touch it!


- "How much weight have you gained?"

7-month response: I have no idea. But everyone tells me I look great!

9-month response: 25 pounds. You?


- "Has the doctor told you when the baby is coming?"

7-month response: (Note: when you get this question at this stage, people are asking for your due date, so you respond accordingly.)

9-month response: (Note: when people ask at this stage, they're looking for you to tell them a specific day of the week, either this week or next. Assuming you aren't having a scheduled c-section, there are two possible responses, the polite one and the one you want to give.)

Polite - It's really impossible to tell. My doctor says that if he could give a precise delivery date, he wouldn't be a doctor any more, because he'd be a millionaire. I promise we'll call when she comes!

Desired Retort - To be totally honest, I think he's coming right now. Can you put your hand down there and catch whatever exits? (Only you can determine if you want to go as far as peeing on their obliging hand.)


- "Has the baby come yet?"

Note: This question is only asked at the bitter end of your pregnancy, when you are dying to have it done with and are wondering the same thing every minute of every bloody day. It is always posed via the phone or email. Further, it generally comes from someone extremely close to you like your sister.

Polite - Nope, but you know you'll be the first person we call when I go into labor!

Desired Retort - Yes, he arrived last week. We would have told you, but we thought by keeping the news from you, you'd get the hint that we no longer like you and we've written you out of our will. Was that not abundantly clear in our silence?


To turn things around for just a moment, most people are extremely polite to pregnant women and ask only one question:

- "How are you feeling?"

Any Time Response: I feel great.

There is no other answer to that question, unless the person asking is also pregnant or has recently been pregnant and wants to discuss every detail of adult onset acne, hemorrhoids, skin tags, strange hair growth, incontinence and mucous plugs with you. Just smile and say those three magic words. Trust me on this one, my fellow preggos.